Time Spent in Amazement

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement  Mary Oliver

there are many different reasons why we seek time away from our normal day-to-day lives.  rest and relaxation, excitement and adventure, curiosity about new places…. just to name a few.

 for me personally, the most important element of a successful trip is the amount of time spent in amazement.  i love to be amazed and there are still plenty of places i can go to fulfill that need.

 our recent trip to washington was a big hit on the amazement scale – hence, a happy and rewarding experience. 

 it was not without challenges – rain, wind, motorhome repairs and bailey’s extreme agitation with the constant fireworks were all issues that had to be resolved….

 all part of the process, but fortunately, the amazement won out over those minor difficulties and that is what lives on in my mind.

Tea & Silence

every morning after my walk, our liquid breakfast, my instagram post and a few chores, i spend a few moments with a cup of tea and some quiet.  it’s become one of my practices.  one that i cherish and that makes a difference in my day. 

i clear my mind and sit with the breeze and the birdsong.  i go to that place that’s light, calm and joyful.  no matter what.  i usually end up writing a few words in one of my journals.

sometimes it’s just a word or 2, sometimes more.  it's very spontaneous, nothing is forced.  here are a few samples that i wanted to share.

“becoming empty, so i can be filled with love, light and possibility”

“honoring the morning with silence”

“we breathe the same air, the earth and i”

you get the idea.  sometimes i try to use some words from my list of favorites,

“brushed by the feather of silence, lingering on the edge of delicate dissolve"

“melting into the moment…. awash in contentment, glittering with gratitude”

 it's something so small and only takes a few minutes.  but often afterwards, with a clear head, i have some wonderful creative brainstorms.  practices are like that.  over time, they can be pretty amazing.

tomorrow very early, after many delays, we will be on the road.  i know i haven't been much of a blogger lately, just the ebb and flow i guess.  anyway, thanks so much for stopping by!

The Rest of the Story

i’ve been feeling the need to tell the rest of this story.   if we are friends on facebook you probably already know that the home that we designed and built in san marcos in 1990 (truly our dream home) burned to the ground recently in the coco’s fire.  even though we no longer live there, we were shocked and saddened – not only the home and all the contents were lost but the beautiful setting (which drew us there in the first place) was entirely blackened…. not a green thing left anywhere.

it’s sobering….so many memories….as i stood in the charred piles of rubble i remembered every little piece as it had been carefully chosen and then assembled.  how from a few pieces of paper, a dream materialized, and came to life before our eyes. i still get teary-eyed thinking about it.  although fraught with many frustrations, it was an amazing process that encompassed 2 years of our lives.  we loved living there for 11+ years and sometimes wish we had never left.

i was stunned at how hard this hit me.  i got a little obsessed with old pictures of all the fun times in that house. we felt the need to go up there and say goodbye and even though we have lost nothing physically, we have been going through a grieving process. it has helped me realize how this was truly a part of my creative journey.  i was busy teaching at the time and didn’t understand that, but this was my creative outlet.  it felt a little like a piece of art and  that helps me understand why it feels so personal and why it’s been so hard. 

of course the biggest share of my grief is for the new owners, who had fallen in love with the house and just moved in the month before.  i can’t even imagine.  they were both out of the country at the time of the fires, so not even able to evacuate and grab their treasures.  my heart aches for them and we have been in touch by email. we are hoping to meet soon and share the original plans with them, should they choose to rebuild.  i can already tell that they are lovely people and we now have this very unlikely bond. 

i put this bench down there maybe 14 years ago.  somehow, in spite of a wooden seat, it survived the fire. strange.

so, yes, life is full of twists and turns, many of them not of our choosing.  we keep moving forward as best we can, with as much grace as we can, supported by those who love us and learn our lessons as we go.  thanks for listening.

here is a recap of the "creative play" retreat. 

I Never Became a Mother

i never became a mother.  although i struggled with the decision in some phases of my life, i never really even came close and it was a voluntary choice.  a mutual choice by both of us.   

i usually chalk it up to the overwhelm of my teaching career and not having the time or attention i would want to devote to motherhood, but i know there is more to it than that.  if it had been something we really, really wanted, we would have worked it out, as most couples seem to do.

the fact is, that while i love and appreciate children very much and spent most of my life choosing to be around them, i never had the overwhelming desire to “own” them, as most women seem to do.  i value my independence greatly and we’ve always been happy in our marriage and quite content with our cocker spaniels (who have been the lucky recipients of all those latent maternal instincts 8))

 i’m well aware that parenthood would have added a huge and meaningful dimension to our lives, but i feel that not having children has allowed me to grow and expand in other ways and, most of the time, i don’t miss what i never had.

it’s kind of funny that i feel like NOW, at this age, i would have the wisdom to be a good mother, but looking back at those years, i was pretty clueless about so many things and i have to wonder how effective of a parent i would have been.  i know, i know, no one is prepared and you learn “on the job”….

i’ve always felt a little intimidated to talk about this topic because motherhood, after all, is revered pretty much next to sainthood and i can’t help but feel that my choice in this regard draws negative judgment upon me…. so usually i just keep my mouth shut.  but i’m old enough now to throw caution to the wind and embrace the real me.  so, there you have it.  childfree and proud of it!