Evolving

it’s the first day of school today.  3 years ago on this day i cried.  i was so used to being part of the educational establishment… i felt so lost and isolated,  like my identity had been stripped away, leaving me fragile and vulnerable. 

i still get sad when i think about how it all went down (i have told this story before) and especially when i think about the children that have so little chance for the support they need, their difficulties becoming whitewashed in the maze of ever-growing class sizes.

but i’m evolving.  i had to move on.  and though my path lately has been frought with frustrations of one sort and another, i’m getting that that is all part of the process and that the past is the past and each day i need to wake up and be open to what the day presents me, all the while moving forward, be it sometimes only an inch at a time.  deep breath.....

Heat

the heat envelopes me

it squeezes my head

like a balloon

about to burst

it’s a stagnant

 all-encompassing

physical presence...

i can’t think straight

because the thoughts

have been hijacked

and are not allowed

to focus on anything....

except....

how to get relief

 as i have mentioned before, i am not good in the heat!  we are so  spoiled here with our normally-temperate climate that a 12-day heat wave like this pretty much throws everything out of kilter.

 i find it very limiting and am very glad that the end is finally in sight….

the pics don’t really fit but i have been working on these and love them so much…. and they take me right back to those days spent in the coooool oregon dunes…..

hope you enjoy your virtual visit!!

 

Moving Forward....

“the flower doesn’t dream of the bee.  it blossoms and the bee comes.””  mark nepo

 “all these distractions and fears are part of your world.  it does not serve you to deny them, but neither does it serve to give in to them.  do not be concerned with what you have to say and how it will be received.  that is not what matters.  what is important is for you to speak whatever voice you hear within.  that is your only calling.  forget what others may say about it and think of those who may need your words as you have needed the words of others to help you on your way.

 remember how you have been moved by the creations of others.  remember what joy, what cleansing insights, what surges of passion and hope they have stirred.  what if the creators of those works had given in to their fears?  what if all artists listened to the voice that denounces their gifts?  what do you think propelled them on in the face of doubt?  it is the same force that moves you – the force of divine beauty seeking expression in human form.  

 you have come to experience the gift  of humanity and to add to it what only you can add.  this is not a burden, but a gift and a privilege.  what you create as you render your experience into new forms will be a pathway home to your deeper self.  as you create, you will grow in wisdom, connect what you know with what you dream, what you have felt with what you have faith in.  as you pull from the mind and draw on the spirit, you will find new life breathed through you, breathed into the work that is before you.  and this newness is the force of life itself, continuing through you, blessing you as it passes and becomes itself.”

 these are the words of jan phillips in “marry your muse” (one of my absolute fav creativity books!)  i ran across them (of course!) while i was planning for the workshop that may or may not happen.  thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful comments on my last post.  your words, as well as these which i so appropriately ran across at just the right time have spoken volumes to me.

i am moving ahead.  why? because i want this workshop to “exist” whether or not it happens at this time.  the more details i put into it the more real it feels, the more i can envision it and the more i believe in it.  somewhere, someday…..

(all iphone photos taken on my morning walks)

Believing in Myself....

this is a little tough to write…. but here goes.

it’s starting to be a familiar feeling…. i have an idea for a workshop or a retreat.  i get really excited about it and spend a ton of time thinking, planning, preparing….. i put the idea out there and then i wait…. and hope.... and nothing happens.  i send out emails, facebook posts, flyers, the whole she-bang and there is no response.  zip.  zero.  or maybe just a teeny bit, but not enough to  actually make it happen.

at first, i had a very hard time not taking this personally.  obviously, if people really liked me and thought i had something to share, they would sign up, right?  well, that may be true to some extent but i can’t waste my energies fretting about that. 

 the fact is that i have already hosted 5 successful retreats and i do believe they were worthwhile for the participants.  i also believe that i do have something valuable to share and that there are those out there who could benefit.  if i stop believing that, i may as well hang it up right now.  

 it’s also been difficult at times not to feel like i have wasted a great deal of time.  but  i’m choosing not to believe that either.  oh, i have my moments for sure, but deep down i do believe that sometime, somewhere all of this preparation is an investment and will to be put to good use….i know it’s true (right?)  i have to believe that....

 i realize that these pics have absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter.  i have no idea why i chose them except maybe it’s been so blasted hot and i needed a little relief from some cooool oregon sea life!  and thanks for listening!