I Never Became a Mother

i never became a mother.  although i struggled with the decision in some phases of my life, i never really even came close and it was a voluntary choice.  a mutual choice by both of us.   

i usually chalk it up to the overwhelm of my teaching career and not having the time or attention i would want to devote to motherhood, but i know there is more to it than that.  if it had been something we really, really wanted, we would have worked it out, as most couples seem to do.

the fact is, that while i love and appreciate children very much and spent most of my life choosing to be around them, i never had the overwhelming desire to “own” them, as most women seem to do.  i value my independence greatly and we’ve always been happy in our marriage and quite content with our cocker spaniels (who have been the lucky recipients of all those latent maternal instincts 8))

 i’m well aware that parenthood would have added a huge and meaningful dimension to our lives, but i feel that not having children has allowed me to grow and expand in other ways and, most of the time, i don’t miss what i never had.

it’s kind of funny that i feel like NOW, at this age, i would have the wisdom to be a good mother, but looking back at those years, i was pretty clueless about so many things and i have to wonder how effective of a parent i would have been.  i know, i know, no one is prepared and you learn “on the job”….

i’ve always felt a little intimidated to talk about this topic because motherhood, after all, is revered pretty much next to sainthood and i can’t help but feel that my choice in this regard draws negative judgment upon me…. so usually i just keep my mouth shut.  but i’m old enough now to throw caution to the wind and embrace the real me.  so, there you have it.  childfree and proud of it!

My Best Friend

i may not have as many acquaintances or material possessions

 as some people

but i do have a best friend who is always there for me

 

she’s accepting and forgiving

she’s calm and soothing

she’s always changing yet always beautiful

she is always giving

and doesn’t ask for much in return

we’ve been so many places together

i’m so glad we found each other

i’m not sure if it was love at first sight

but our relationship has grown and blossomed

over the years

we have bonded

it’s a permanent thing

we’re always going to be together

because she’s never going to die

my life is infinitely richer

and more meaningful

in light of our relationship

i think you might know her too

her name starts with an “n”….

and is spelled N A  T U R E

photos taken at san onofre beach, one of my favorite nature hang-outs

New Creative Obsessions

a few new creative ideas have got me on a roll these days!  i’m still busy creating my regular mixed media pieces, but have added some new stuff and having so much fun with it! 

i discovered this book  through an amazon suggestion and have taken it and run with leaf printing.  i am currently planning a retreat next month for a group of female employees and thinking that this will be the perfect fun, easy, nature-based activity!

so i’m doing a lot of practice so i can at least kind of look like i know what i’m doing.  i think it will be great fun!  the retreat theme is “creative play” and this will fit right in.

i’ve also taken to working with sticks.  just like leaves, they are free and available pretty much everywhere.  i especially like finding them as driftwood or in locations that we may travel to. 

 spirit sticks have a long history and tradition in native american culture and i love that.  they have been used for ceremonies, rituals and blessings.  i feel that when i create them with love, that will translate to blessings for the recipient.  

 

 the possibilities are endless.  they can be painted or wrapped with cord, embroidery floss, twine, etc. and embellished with all kinds of fun things.  each one is totally unique and it is a very intuitive process. 

 i’m very intrigued with and  influenced by native culture.  i recently bought a native American flute!  too soon to call it an obsession, but we’ll see.  i used to play traditional flute, but this is quite different.  i do love the sound, though, so hope to be creating some music soon. 

 hope all is well in your world and that you are enjoying the renewal of spring (or the changes of fall, as the case may be.....)

Entropy

Entropy:

(4)The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.

(5) Inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society

this is the word that kept coming to my mind as we walked, once again, through the increasingly deteriorating areas around the salton sea recently.  it’s impactful to see it the first time, but even more so when visiting each year.

 time and weather take their toll, not to mention humans, who seem to think they have to play a part in hastening the demise of the aging structures.

this house right at the edge of the sea had been slowly declining and still contained furniture and many “pieces of life” until a group of young people felt the need to light it on fire.  now there are only the charred remains.

it all got me thinking how sometimes we as humans can feel a bit of entropy too... especially as we age.  some of our roles and functions fall away and we can feel less engaged and less important..... declining.... as we head toward our inevitable doom.

there is a big difference, however.  a HUGE difference. and that is the human spirit.  it’s alive.  and fully capable of renewal.  no matter what.  it’s up to each of us to keep that renewal going.  when things change or end or are disappointing, there are some who feel beaten down and give up.  i have seen it happen.  but it doesn’t need to be that way. 

there is ALWAYS the opportunity for growth, for a change of attitude and for hope.  and there is always the possibility to keep moving forward..... even if it’s only one tiny step at a time.

 still so much beauty there, it keeps calling us back!