i have lots more taos stuff, but in the meantime….. i 've had some struggles lately and felt the need to share. partly because writing helps to clarify things in my own little brain and partly because there is always a chance someone else will be able to relate to what i’m saying and we can swap viewpoints and strategies. love that about blogging!
it seems most of my life i have dealt with various insecurities and the demons have been knocking on my door lately for a variety of reasons (wouldn't think you would reach an age when this no longer happens???) the you’re not good enough demons. the less than demons. the what’s wrong with you anyway demons. the who do you think you are demons. the maybe you should just forget that idea demons. and lately one of the loudest knockers: the where’s it all going demons.
you see it’s been almost 2 years now since i retired from my teaching job. don’t get me wrong. i LOVE my life and am incredibly grateful for it every. single. day. *seriously*. it’s just that when i left my job i had high hopes of doing “something important”. at the time, i was still printing and framing photos and selling them at artshows and galleries. and presenting my multi-media shows in assisted living facilities.
i’ve since decided that printing, framing and selling are really not my thing (except for the little stuff like cards, magnets and bookmarks). i loved doing the multi-media shows, but the marketing was completely daunting and eventually did me in.
so those things have mostly fallen by the wayside in favor of new creative pursuits. i love blogging. and i totally love the new art forms i am dabbling in, working in my new studio and doing the retreats. (i am a happy girl in spite of those demons!!)
but when i look at the future, it’s hard to grasp it all going in a direction that is going to “make a difference”. based on past experience, my future view feels somewhat limited. and that can become scary if i let it. i know, i know, it’s all about the journey…. and i do believe i am getting better at stopping those negative spirals.... but i can’t seem to reign my thoughts in and keep them from going in that direction from time to time…..sigh...
i know i’m presenting a mixed picture here, but that’s my life. probably more days than not i feel excited and confident about what i am doing. my “daily practices” are wonderful and i am adding more all the time! but i wouldn’t be completely honest without acknowledging these little midnight visitors and i’m guessing maybe some of you have been visited by them too. or maybe not. would love to hear your thoughts!