Tuesday, April 20, 2010

13 Years

i played the piano today in your memory

you’d’ve been proud that i still remembered how
it’s been 13 years
since we said our last good-byes
did i even say good-bye?
i was so stunned to be in the presence
of one leaving the earth
i didn’t know quite how to react
i didn’t grab you and hug you
and tell you not to go
i knew it had to be
that this part of your journey was drawing to a close
that things were just following their natural course….

the tears still come easily

if i let myself go back to that place
tears not so much of sadness really
but of some indefinable emotion
toward a life built of so much goodness,
innocence even....
you didn't seem to have the capacity
to begin to understand or relate to
the evils of the world
i'm sad to say that they have not improved
in the last 13 years
and sometimes i think it's best
that you made your exit when you did

no, we didn’t always see eye to eye

but i never doubted for a second
that that goodness was there
hidden beneath layers of life’s messy ordinariness
buried like an anchor
keeping the ship of our lives together
from drifting too far off course

sometimes i don’t feel worthy
of all that goodness and innocence
maybe that’s why i’m crying


  1. oh sweet Patty,

    What a beautiful, touching post.

    You are so deserving of ALL the goodness and innocence....so worthy.

    sending a big, big, big hug to you my friend.

  2. I think she would smile as she read this post - it is so full of love.

    And I agree with Kolleen - you are worthy of goodness and innocence, more than you could imagine.


  3. Oh ,Patty
    I love your post and I understand that you love your mom..
    I feel your love sitting here
    Your word sre so beautiful..
    I can see you shinning from here..
    love you,

  4. Such a bitter sweet place to visit. You visit it so beautifully and with such grace. You are an 'old soul' Patty. A beautiful posting which touched me deeply. Your Mom is smiling at your wisdom and inner knowing.

  5. patty dear...
    this made ME cry.
    i miss my mom so much and i TOTALLY related to your beautiful words.
    my mom and your mom must be friends in heaven.
    it sounds as if their goodness was equal.
    my mom was above the messiness that went around her...and always did so gracefully.
    your mom IS watching over you. proud of all you are still becoming.
    (she.s still a mom)
    im sure she had her hands folded together in pleasure of hearing you play the piano after all these years in HER honor.
    my mom would love that too.
    thank you sweet friend for opening up and sharing some of your intimate feelings about someone so special.
    huge hugs to you.
    and lots of love.

  6. blessings to you and your beautiful open heart patty!

  7. Aunt Pat,
    Thank you for this post. I love the pictures you posted of this woman that I never had the chance to meet. It is beautiful how the past shapes us and molds us in ways that we don't even fully comprehend. I enjoy reading/hearing bits of your memories of her who made you who you are. And I don't think we ever really deserve all the goodness and innocence that is given to us (I don't, at least). That is what makes it such an amazing precious gift.

  8. I swear - these comments have me in tears all over again! Good tears, really good tears! Honestly, I hesitated to post this, but I'm SO appreciative of your lovely and insightful comments. I should've known that you all would totally get it!!

  9. i see you in your mom. and i witness your love for her. your words would make her so happy to hear. i believe we dont often enough express our love to our parents and it is never too late. you are so special and deserving and loving and giving, patty, a gift you pass on and on. i am so very honored to be a tiny part of the universe around you. so true. so honest. so beautiful. love


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